How to be pretentious…
Online.
1. Have a blog.
2. Use Twitter. Actually, overuse twitter.
3. Scour the internet for trending viral videos. Then, be first to post it to your FB account, tweet it, and blog it.
4. Abuse Dictionary.com, Thesaurus.com, Wikipedia.com. You can sound smarter and be an “expert” with just one click of the mouse.
Language.
1. See “Online” – Rule 4.
2. Use Poetic/Literary devices like Alliteration in your writing. Use Onomatopoeia when speaking. Don’t use examples of onomatopoeia; use the word onomatopoeia.
Leonard, laconic and morose, motioned for the moribund man to draw near.“Halladay was pitching so fast, like ZOOOOM! WHOOSH!” “That is an example of onomatopoeia.” “What? I hate you.“3. Speak as if you were on mild depressants; rarely ever raising your tone. Don’t get excited about anything, ever. Because you’ve seen it all before.
4. Quote famous writers/philosphers/leaders in normal conversation.
“Thanks. You’re a true, blue friend.” “Friendship they say, is not so much our friends’ help that helps us, as the confidence of their help.” “What? I hate you.“Technology.
1. Only use Apple products. Macbook + iPads + iPhones + iTouch. = iPretentious
2. And/Or have a blackberry and BBM all day/night long.
3. Have 8GB of data even though you only need 500MB.
4. Drive a hybrid automobile.
Cutural.
1. Go to museums and art galleries. Make sure you research beforehand lest you not know what you’re looking at.
2. Go to wine tastings. Use adjectives like “earthy”, “dark”, “citrus”, and “profound” to describe the wine.
3. Go do “Summerlicious/Winterlicious”. Overdress for the occasion. Make sure you add overpriced wine with your meal. Tip very little because the meal has broken your budget.
In Conclusion…
when all else fails, remember that being pretentious is about pretending that you are more cultured/knowledgeable/savvy about anything and everything. You don’t need to know everything about a topic; you just need to know one more thing than what people in your social circle know.
Bonne chance. (“good luck” in French. Using foreign languages, also pretentious.)
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Thanks to @alikoh for the inspiration.
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