Remember Mad Libs? I do.
Mad Libs were a favourite pastime as a young child. It was a perfect marriage of my grammatical superiority, creativity, and lack of friends.
Like Stewie, Mad Libs started out innocently. (pl. noun1) watermelons. (adjective1) smelly. (noun1) toilet. (noun2) fanny. (noun3) poop.
Innocent as it may have been, “poop”, like marijuana, or your first pg-13 movie, is a gateway to treacherous terrain and perilous paths.
Realizing that you can literally drop ANY WORD IMAGINABLE into the text is too much power for a young child to have. So “poop” became “sh*t”, “sh*t” led to “boobs”, “boobs” led to “sex”, “F**k”, “beepin-mother–beeping-beep”. I couldn’t control myself and farther down the rabbit hole I fell…
Only to find myself one day with the evidence of a vulgar boy exposed in blue ink scribbled all over a Mad Lib. I don’t remember the exact words I used, but I can still feel the shame of it imprinting red all over my cheeks.
I had to get rid of the evidence. Throwing it in the garbage was too risky. Someone could find it. So, what did I do? I, and my 12 year old (stupid) brain decided to flush it away! This was the best that I could come up with. (CSI was still years away as was the development of common sense)
Five flushes, a flooding toilet, a toilet brush and plunger, panic sweat streaming down my face…My mom finds me in the bathroom, sweating and scared. She cleans up the mess. “Did you flush something you shouldn’t have in the toilet?”
“NO!” as smoothly as I can manage. I run off back to my room.
I’ve never told anyone this story. And as all the memories come flooding back, I have had a sudden revelation. I think my mom might have been thinking that I was masturbating in the bathroom…
And now here I sit at my favourite coffee shop with red caked on my cheeks again with sweat drops on my forehead, shielding my laptop screen from anyone who might catch a glimpse of my shame. I would go to the bathroom to splash some water on my face to cool down, but other patrons might think I’m masturbating in the bathroom…
And the cycle keeps repeating itself…
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