Ok. Here’s the rules for girls to follow, written by a guy. Again, much love to @karenahn for the suggestion.
1. Don’t be a salty sailor. Don’t swear, or smoke, or do anything else that a salty sailor would do. That includes hanging out with a bunch of dudes for extended periods of time. (In my research, I discovered that salty sailor has another meaning. It’s really inappropriate, but a perfect example of how not to act. Never reference a “salty sailor” on a first date. Don’t even click on the link.)
2. You’re probably not funny. Your brand of humour is NOT what a guy finds funny. I’m sorry ladies, Dane Cook is not funny…at all. If you want to be considered funny, throw in a line from a popular D!k-flick. “60% of the time, it works every time.” or “You’re my boy, Blue. You’re my boy.” And don’t just indiscriminately throw lines out there but tie them into the conversation.
Example 1. Guy asks, “So what do you do? What are your ambitions/goals in life?” You respond, “I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.”
Example 2. At the end of the date, Guy says, “I had a great time. Let’s do this again sometime.” You respond, “See you later, Joben.” or “Laterss on the menjay.”
If you don’t know where any of these quotes are from, a great starting point for your comedic education is by researching the “Frat Pack”. If two or more of them are in a movie together, you have to watch it.
3. Be cheerful and quirky. Keep conversations light and airy. Talk about fun and (slightly) odd things you like to do. Don’t talk about serious stuff. Never talk about serious stuff on a first date. It scares guys off. Keep your crazy hidden…PLEASE. Or better yet, don’t be crazy, ever.
4. Smile and laugh. Guys like to know they’re funny. But the sad truth is, some guys really aren’t. So practice your fake laugh. It’s essential. And at the very least, practice smiling. Dating experts say that if your date is staring at your mouth, he/she is subconsciously thinking about kissing you. So give your date something to look at. Smile, purse your lips a bit, wear some nice lip balm, and show off those pearly whites.
5. Be confident. Channel your inner Christina Aguilera and tell yourself, “I am beautiful in every single way…” If you don’t find beauty in yourself, it’ll show, and chances are, then, the guy won’t find you beautiful either. Confidence is sexy. BUT if your confidence is too close to cockiness, guys may take it as a competition. And guys don’t like to compete with girls. It stems from middle school gym class. It’s a lose-lose situation. If the girl is worse than you, you hate playing with her. If the girl is better than you, you hate playing with her.
6. I ain’t saying she’s a gold digguh. Don’t be a gold digger. If you want a sugar daddy, there are many men much, much older than me who will gladly oblige you. On a first date, don’t expect a guy to go all out. For the most part, we’re just as jaded by the prospect of finding true love as you are, and we’re not looking to spend a day’s wages on a woman we may never see again.
7. Hollywood is E-V-I-L. Ryan Gosling in “The Notebook”. EVIL. Leo Dicaprio in “Titanic”. EVIL. Shane West in “A Walk To Remember”. EVIL. You’re not going to wake up one morning and find a telescope built by hand for you so that you can see a shooting star. If you find yourself in the middle of the Atlantic with a guy, you’re both surviving. And most importantly, no one’s going to build a house for you. Hollywood has elevated women’s expectations to near impossible standards. Just remember, you aren’t Kate, Mandy, or Rachel. And unless you are, don’t have outlandish expectations. (BTW, I would build a house for Rachel McAdams)
8. Flirt…and be dreadfully obvious about it. Guys are dumb. I took an IQ test as a young teenager and the results placed me in the 99.9th percentile. My IQ was 139, genius level (Yes, I’m showing off). And even still, I can’t read camouflage flirting. So be obvious. Break the physical barrier that exists on the first date. Playfully brush his forearm with your hand. Tell him about this new shampoo you’ve been using and let him smell your hair. If the opportunity somehow comes up and you can do it without feeling sloochie (slutty&hoochie), stroke the back of his neck with your fingernails. If all these moves feel too forward for you, here’s my sure-fire move that is guaranteed to work.
Scenario. Tell Guy you’re really strong. He will laugh and disagree. Say something along the lines of, “I bet you if I punch you in the arm, it’ll hurt.” Starving for physical contact, he’ll agree to let you punch him. You punch him. He will respond in one of two ways:
A. He will pretend it hurt. You say, “You’re pretending! Argh…You’re too strong. I really thought it would hurt.”
B. He will laugh at your weakness. You huff and puff and say, “Argh. I really thought I could hurt you. You’re too strong.”
And there you have it. You’ve broken the physical barrier. And you’ve complimented him on his strength. Even though you’re just a “weak” girl, he’ll subconsciously feel a lot stronger.
Sidenote: If you know what a bench press is, if you’ve done P90X, if you were on the high school weightlifting team, if you’re a black belt in a martial art, take something off the punch, Butch.
9. The Carrot and Stick. Dangle the bait. Be a bit of a tease. It’s ok. Well, it’s not. It creates emotional and physical discomfort for guys, but that is necessary if you’re going to catch and keep a guy’s attention. And don’t give it up on the first date. Seriously. Make guys work for it. “Nothing worth getting is gotten easily.” And let him know it.
10. Safety first. Beware. Guys are sick and perverse. Don’t have any illusions that we’re any good. So, for a first date, follow these safety tips.
Meet in a public place.Find your own way there (Don’t let Guy know where you live).Don’t get drunk.And call/text your girlfriends at the end of the date. Who am I kidding? Women talk about everything. Of course you’re going to call your girlfriends.11. Date me. =)
Happy fishing =).
P.S. I told you not to click on the “salty sailor” link!
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