“No beer and no tv make Homer something-something…”
Thank God I have beer because I haven’t had tv in years. Apparently though, technology has come a long way and I can watch full episodes on the intrawebnet. Recently, I spent a relaxing afternoon at a friend’s house where we found ourselves watching HGTV’s Property Virgins.
There’s something about 2 guys who total 12 feet in height, 500 lbs of muscle fat muscle, could bench press over 600 lbs back in their heyday, watching Property Virgins alone together.
It’s guy love. I’m his chocolate bear…Or he’s mine…We complete each other.
Since that G.A.I., (my favourite Michael Scott line, “an hour long shower with guys”) I’ve been obsessed with Sandra Rinomato’s Property Virgins. I’ve watched episode after episode, putting a strain on our household bandwidth limit. It’s so fun to live vicariously through other people’s first home purchase. It creates fantasy scenarios of owning your dream home and what it looks like.
My list is surprisingly simple.
Location. Safe and void of traffic. Suburbs are great.House Design. Detached. Red bricks would be nice but not a necessity.Layout. Not a big fan of open-concept. 3 bedroom, 2 bath. Office space for me with good lighting (big windows).Master Bedroom. Space for king size bed.Master Bathroom. Space for a king size tub. 2 sinks.Backyard. Space to kick around a soccer ball or toss a football. Space for a BBQ.I guess the list isn’t as simple as I originally anticipated.
But the more I watch this show, the more a sickening feeling grows inside of me. I know nothing about owning a home. I don’t know anything about the financing, the logistics, the details! Why do the words “short sale”, “tax credits”, “homeowner’s association” mean nothing to me? Those words sound like English…
And most of the episodes show a newly engaged/married, long-term couple ready to settle into the next stage of their lives. I know nothing about being in a long-term relationship. I don’t know anything about the financing, the logistics, the details!
I am barely getting to the point where I’ve figured myself out. How am I supposed to figure another person out and the dynamics of that relationship? And then engagement? marriage? homes? families? children? Oh my God, I’m having a hard time breathing right now.
(5 minute break)
It’s no longer fun. There is no longer any vicarious living. There is now only dread and anxiety. And yet, I can’t stop watching. Every episode is a reminder of how far back I am in life.
If life is a race, I think I’m losing.
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I’m curious, what does your dream house look like? Especially you, @alikoh. We’ll have to get the list ready for Ryan Gosling to start building. Leave your dream home details in the comments section.
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