I am by no means a perfect person. I like to pretend that I am. It makes being a pastor, a Christian, a person easier…in the short-term at least. Today, I made a mistake. A big one. And instead of hiding it and playing make-believe with my life, I’ll own up to it and take responsibility. Consider this a very minor step in the better-fication of Will Choi, for God’s glory, and His alone.
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Purpose Driven Life – Day 25
God has a purpose behind every problem. He uses circumstances to develop our character.
Every problem is a character-building opportunity, and the more difficult it is, the greater the potential for building spiritual muscle and moral fiber.
Your circumstances are temporary, but your character will last forever.
Purpose Driven Life – Day 26
Every temptation is an opportunity to do good. On the path to spiritual maturity, even temptation becomes a stepping-stone rather than a stumbling block when you realize that it is just as much an occasion to do the right thing as it is to do the wrong thing…Every time you choose to do good instead of sin, you are growing in the character of Christ.
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I’m an aggressive driver. I drive fast. I don’t believe I’m reckless or dangerous on the road, maintaining clear focus and being aware of my surroundings at all times. (Thanks to God) I’ve never been in an accident or gotten a ticket. I did get pulled over twice, one time for eating shrimp, but that’s another blog altogether.
Today, the roads were clear in the afternoon. I was driving on a major street in the right-most lane when I approached an intersection. The light was green for me; it had been for a long time, and would continue to be green for a long time. At the intersection I saw a car preparing to turn onto the street I was driving on, and not only that, the car would enter my lane. The gentleman driving did not even think to look in my direction and he cut me off.
Being an aware driver, I realized that there was a good possibility this would happen, so I slammed on the brakes to avoid a possible accident, and then proceeded to give him a good and long (but polite) honk. He immediately recognized his error and put his hand up apologetically. I quickly changed lanes and drove by him as his hand remained frozen in the air, admitting his fault.
Our cars then approached another intersection, this time red. He pulled his car behind mine, presumably because he was unwilling to engage in a possible cut-eye session, or even a verbal or physical altercation. I looked back through my rear view mirror; he stopped well short of my car, ashamed of his mistake. I then raised my hand, to say “It’s ok. No worries.” And he responded with a polite salute.
And the incident was over…aside from me now wondering what the man was thinking, saluting me. Who salutes other people on the road? A raised hand would have been fine, even a nod of the head acceptable. I think he was surprised by his giving of a salute as well. People do unexpected things in unexpected situations, I suppose.
I was proud of the incident. It was a small moment that tested my character but I chose maturity and allowed my spiritual muscles to flex some moral fiber.
But maturity and character are not built on one moment, they are an accumulation of moments. And temptation is not something that can be won over in one battle, but must be fought again and again. Not even one hour ago, I failed to show maturity and character. I gave into temptation and lost a battle. And I regretted it almost instantly.
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A friend was driving me and some other friends back from a fun-filled afternoon playing volleyball when we stopped by at a plaza because the driver needed to return a movie to Rogers Video. The parking lot was full and the winter day had faded quickly into night. The driver pulled into a lane and began the process of turning into an open parking spot to her right. She adjusted her car slightly to the left lane to aid the car’s entry into the parking spot. She had the right blinker going as she began her move when out of nowhere, a car raced by us on the right hand side, almost scraping the side of our car. Had my friend been more aggressive with the turn, we surely would have been t-boned and the impact of the speeding car probably would have killed the two of us on the right side of the car.
We were shocked. Shocked at what happened. Shocked at what could have happened. Shocked that some idiot would do something so reckless. As we parked our car, the driver, she was confused, but relieved. Her passengers however, three guys, we were angry. And I led the charge out of the car.
We spotted the upscale SUV parked a few spots from us, in front of Rogers Video and PizzaNova. I stood in front of the car, the driver having disappeared. The SUV’s driver even had the gall to park in a handicap spot, with no handicap sticker visible. And then rage filled my heart. As a brother to a physically and mentally handicapped sister, and as a son to a mother who once tore her knee up in an accident on some hazardous stairs, I’m well acquainted with the necessity of those handicap spots. And when I see people parking in those spots with no handicap stickers, I am tempted to find my baseball bat and take batting practice on their car.
So there we stood in front of this SUV waiting, when a woman in her 30's, rich by appearance, walked out of PizzaNova, pizza in hand, and toward the car. The next few moments were brutal…absolutely brutal. (And not a proud moment at all. Warning: Profane Language)
Is this your car? (I ask)
Yes, it is. (she responds)
You know you almost hit us.
Blank stare leading to confused stare.
When did that happen?
In this lane! We were turning right into a parking spot when you almost fucking hit our car. You just drove through the fucking lane.
I didn’t see your car…?
Are you fucking kidding me?! How could you not see our car? And also, this is a handicap parking spot. You can’t fucking park here without a sticker. But I guess it’s okay because you must be mentally retarded driving like that.
And with that, we walked into Rogers Video. My fists were clenched and white knuckled. I let my hands loose and my body began to cool. We laughed at a funny joke about something insignificant. And the rage was gone, released into the ether of the universe. But as I returned to my senses, my face suddenly felt flush.
I knew I did something wrong. I was harsh and mean, speaking out of anger and hate. What if my parents had seen me? What if my youth group had seen me? What if Jesus saw me? He did. And to my friends, was I a sterling example of Christ’s love in that moment? What if my sister heard me? Being so cavalier and hurtful with my words, calling this woman mentally retarded.
I hate that word, retard. I’ve always hated society’s indiscriminate use of that word to describe something negatively. Because if anything, my sister is retarded, and for her to be defined as a negative, is a hurt that breaks my heart everytime. She may be different, and our family situation may be untenable at times, but she is an angel. She is my sister. She has helped shape me to be the man that I am. A good man. But tonight, I broke the character she helped forge in me. And I used a word that insults someone I love, to insult a complete stranger.
I asked my friends if I was overly harsh. They comforted me that though it was harsh, it was understandable.
She needed to learn her lesson.
She deserved it.
But I knew I was in the wrong.
Guys, I’m sorry I did that. God, I’m sorry I did that. I apologize. I made a mistake.
My friends were quick to forgive, not even verbalizing forgiveness, but just carrying forward as if nothing happened. And though I failed to show Godly character, I also knew that God forgave me that moment. I broke my character, but God gave me a chance to pick up the pieces, even helping me pick them up. I was restored to God. I was reconciled with God.
Truth be told, I was restored and reconciled when Jesus died for my sins. I was restored and reconciled when I accepted that fact. And tonight was another reminder that yes, I am restored and reconciled, forgiven and loved.
But reconciliation isn’t just an action that happens between man and God. Reconciliation is an activity that man undertakes with man; in this case, a woman.
I will most likely never see this woman again. Truthfully, her figure and details have already faded away. If I ever did see her again, I won’t recognize her. And the same is probably true for her about me. She won’t remember the man who berated her. But she will probably remember the words that came out of my mouth, or at least, the venom and hate that was spewed out onto her. She will never know I’m sorry for what I said and did.
Don’t mistake me. She was in the wrong. She was reckless. She almost killed us. But even when someone is wrong, it is never an excuse or reason for us to act out of malice, void of love. I was angry. And righteously angry. There was nothing wrong with my anger. But the Bible teaches us, “In your anger, do not sin.” And that is what I did. I let righteous anger turn into unrighteous retribution and retaliation.
The Bible teaches this lesson in Ephesians 4. And do you know why Ephesians 4 is significant? Because this is the key scripture I used this past Sunday at church, to teach our congregation about love and reconciliation. The lessons I taught, so quickly I forgot them. So here’s my reminder to myself and to anyone else who finds themselves reading this, for anyone else who may find themselves in a similar situation.
Ephesians 4:26, 27
(speaking to the church, in relation to one another, but I also take it as an application in relation to anyone) In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry (Let go of anger as quickly as you can), and do not give the devil a foothold (Don’t dance along the line of sinfulness. Avoid it. If you give the devil an inch, he’ll take a foot. If you “give the devil a foothold”, he may just take all of you).
Ephesians 4:15
(again, speaking to the church, in relation to one another, but I also take it as an application in relation to anyone) Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, this is, Christ.
1 Corinthians 13: 1-8 (MSG)
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.8Love never dies.
1 John 4:7-12 (MSG)
7-10My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God.
11-12My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other. No one has seen God, ever. But if we love one another, God dwells deeply within us, and his love becomes complete in us—perfect love!
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God, I’m sorry. Sorry to you. Sorry to that lady. Sorry to my friends. Sorry to people who look up to me. Sorry to people who love me. Sorry to myself. I made a mistake. And my words were not empty words. Words are powerful things. Proverbs says that the prudent will hold their tongue because sin can grow with many words and that reckless words pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Words and anger and rage don’t just disappear into the ether of the universe. They don’t just dissipate and dissolve into nothingness. Sometimes they stick and trap. I pray that the words I said would not lead to any more hurt or destruction. I don’t know that woman, that stranger. I don’t know what she may or may not be going through. Maybe she’s just forgotten the incident entirely and moved on. I hope you will be gracious and that this incident would not yield any further hurt in her life. Thank you for your love and grace for me. It is the hope I need in my life.
In your Son’s holy name, I pray. Amen.
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