I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
I don’t have a solution but I do admire the problem.
My genetic insanity is very fit and healthy; it runs in the family.
I finally got my head together, but now my body’s falling apart.
I don’t have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder; I’m just multi-tasking.
I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Some mistakes are far too much fun to only make once.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you needed it.
Don’t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
People are jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Make something idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals”.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
I want patience AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
My doctor just told me that I’m colour blind; that was right out of the orange.
Being over the hill is much better than being under it.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.
Don’t marry a tennis player; love means nothing to them.
My inferiority complex isn’t as good as everyone else’s.
Smokers are the same as everyone else; just not as long.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Good health is just the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
Think outside the box; it’s too late once you’re in it.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough.
Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
