I entered a competition with a paint catapult and won with flying colours.
My doctor told me to cut down on sodium, but I’m taking his advice with a pinch of salt.
I followed a trail of pencil graphite right to the end of our yard; I think I’ve been lead up the garden path.
Honey seems to be all the rage at the moment; I blame the powers that bee.
I visited the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals office; it’s so small there’s not enough room to swing a cat.
I’ve just realised that worrying does work; 90% of the things I worry about have never happened.
Hermit crabs don’t like having to shell out for a new home.
I saw someone play a violin on children’s TV today; I thought they weren’t allowed to depict violins in children’s programs?
I was going to follow Nick Clegg and Vince Cable on Twitter, but I can’t ad-lib.
Zoos in North America get rid of their lions at the end of each summer; determining that pride goes before a fall.
I’m very good at startling ducks and chickens, but I wouldn’t say boo to a goose.
I was just about to leave the office when I spilt hot chocolate all over my out tray; still, it’s all in a day’s work.
The council may build a library in the middle of the tracks at the local railway station; well, reading between the lines.
I ate a delicious creamy gooseberry fool today; it gave me indigestion, but I do suffer fools gladly.
An old bylaw inflicts a financial penalty on anyone carrying salmon in a boiling pot; that’s a fine kettle of fish.
Ironically, I looked ridiculous sitting part way up a tree; I should have satire.
I’ve been told that I make terrible wine because I’m using my own vine fruit, but it’s probably just sour grapes.
The nuns that embroidered either end of the 230 feet long Bayeux tapestry never met; sew near and yet sew far.
In the juice bar today I tried to grab something to drink my orange through, but I was just clutching at straws.
The guys delivering a load of sand to me say it’s been delayed, ah well, the best late plans of my sand men.
I found a great site that sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.
Only older people seem to be queuing in the hordes at the theatre; but I suppose every crowd has a silver line in.
Future alien visitors may well appear in strange forms, but that’s just the shape of things to come.
Genetically modified flowers are fashionable; the Fuchsia’s bright, the Fuchsia’s orange.
A local brass band is recruiting musicians, but I’m reluctant to blow my own trumpet.
I’ve got chocolate all over my earphones; still, I always wanted to be a chocolatier.
Our milkman is legend dairy.
I’m going to a local shop for the first time; I’ve no idea what’s in store.
I really feel in shape today; it’s just a pity it’s the wrong shape
Took me ages to remove the food stains from the doctor’s invoice, but at last I have a clean bill of health.
I have pony spittle all down my arm and that’s straight from the horse’s mouth.
Brought my wife a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle; don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.
I’ve ordered some German food off the internet; the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.
